I saw my beloved friend yesterday. Thank God for soul friends in this weary world. The kind that keep us buoyed and remind us of the rivers of love that flow between the manmade cracks in humanity. We discussed how we stay open in times of deep grief, pain, exhaustion, rebellion, inner turmoil, physical defeats, and collective suffering. Because, we cannot simply be open sometimes. Heart valves don’t work like that. If we are brave enough to remain open, we feel the scorch of it all. And I mean, ALL of it. We feel the joy, the passion, the sorrow, the angst, the betrayal, the sadness, the despair, the pleasure, the ecstasy, the holy rage, and the depth of holy love. All of it, every day, pushes me to the edge. My field of being is meant to be so much more expansive, but only if I am willing.
Stretch your arms, each side. As wide as you can, if you can. Feel it. Exhale into it. Release into your own width. Invite openness. It aches a little, doesn’t it?
We aren’t used to inviting openness, I don’t think. At least, I never learned that it was welcome. We learn containment, conformity, and to fit. We learn to confine so much more readily than we do expansion and exploration. Even though, as children, we are born for it. We are born for love, for curiosity, for fun, for deep play. It gets taught away, all too soon.
What if we dared to invite it back? What if we risked exploring again? Inviting all of ourselves to the world in our messy, beautiful glory?
I had one of those laugh out loud ah-ha moments this morning. Yes, I am sure my neighbors heard me laughing from my bed. You see, I have been having one of those muthers of a week. Where motherhood just really crushes you and you are left wondering if you have any bits and pieces of energy left. My deeply feeling kiddos have been expressing ALL of it. And, I am the container for it all. I am their holder of all of the things. I am their safety. I am their love. I am their guide. I am their foundation. I am it. The mutherload, right?
But here I am this morning, feeling a bit frantic, when truly there is no need. What I always seem to forget is this: I AM ALSO ALLOWED TO FEEL. This was not taught to me growing up. In fact, emotions of any kind were so unwelcome, I learned to stifle them. They were always something that needed to be “fixed” instead of expressed. So my anxious energy was from my pre-programmed attempts to contain my own emotions. Even after 20+ years of healing work it takes conscious effort to recognize this pattern. It was as if a lightbulb finally flickered back on in my brain. Release and be free. My body and nervous system chronically need to catch up to this revelation. My emotions don’t need to hide anymore. I don’t need to hide anymore. If I feel sad, I am allowed to feel sad. I can hold that for myself. If I feel joy, I am allowed to feel joy. I can hold that for myself. I can witness all of it. And, I am lucky enough, that I have friends who have the capacity to witness that too.
When I feel the clinging of panic, it has an old grip on me. Fear of punishment. Of rejection. Of abandonment. Of a lack of safety and love. Here I am teaching my daughters that it is okay to feel all of the things and express all of the things, all the while I am still unconsciously putting my innards in tupperware containers behind my right lung. You know, keeping it fresh for when I am sitting next to a friend in our retirement commune and we have a release the Kraken party. I’d like to exhale long before that. Steadily, it is a constant work in progress.
When we are willing to walk along our own edges, push upon our boundaries, farther and wider, beautiful things can happen. We can let ourselves release. We can let ourselves be loved. We can let ourselves BE ourselves. We can let one another live peacefully, abundantly, and freely. We can gather and hold space for one another’s openness.
To stay open in this world is a radical act. Stay wild, open, and free out there.
All the love.
Let’s rise,
ah
Read this one with tears in my eyes - you have captured so much truth with your incredible mastery of words, as usual. Especially loved "rivers of love that flow between the manmade cracks in humanity." Heart clench, mama. You are a gift. So much love.
So much Truth here, Sister. Thanks for sharing your big open heart.